Grief Requires Witnessing

When I think back on the last year, the word that comes to my mind is GRIEF.  I think some of us have made the best of it.  We’ve put on our masks, bit our tongues when we saw political posts, and tried to maintain hope.

That’s only the surface though.  While we may still be hanging in, there is deep grief.  There is lost connection because of just the lack of ability to spend time with people.  There are hurt feelings from comments on Facebook posts.  There’s trauma from losing people to Covid.  There are injustices being done to people of color.  Some of us have watched it safely from our t.v. screens or social media feeds, but others of us have experienced it first-hand.  And that shit is real.

As a therapist, I have struggled to contain it all.  I’ve struggled to help my clients navigate their feelings, while still trying to navigate my own.  I’ve done a good job and I’ve done a poor job.  I’ve given myself a break, and I’ve been harder on myself than I ever have before.  I’ve lost weight and gained weight.  I’ve loved well, and been more selfish than I ever imagined.  If ever there has been a year of contradictions… it has been this one.

There has been good among the bad.  People have overcome the impossible and come together to help those who are hurting.  I’ve seen posts offering help from individual friends as well as major organizations.  I’ve had wine and treats delivered to my door.  I’ve gotten to spend more time with my family than I could have under normal circumstances.

But it’s gotten real.  Grief comes into our lives and we are scared of Her.  She is an unwelcome guest.  She comes when we lose someone we love or when we sink into depression or when we struggle to maintain relationships.  And let me say again, we are SCARED of Her.  Who wants to feel pain, am I right?  And what can She be bringing besides pain?

But, Grief is like any guest that comes into your home.  She wants to be seen, heard and acknowledged.  Can that be scary?  Absolutely!  But, often the fear of inviting Her in, far outweighs the experience of sitting with Her.  If you sit with Her and hear Her out, it feels so good for Her to be acknowledged, that often the pain lessons.  You can take a deep breath.  You may be exhausted but there’s some new space created there. 

So Grief DOES need a witness.  Grief wants to be seen by you, and lots of time it helps if someone is witnessing Grief with you.  That can make it a little less scary.  It can be anyone who feels safe – your partner, your friend, a trusted family member.  Grief doesn’t really like to be seen by people who aren’t trustworthy.  That tends to make the fear go up and She never really gets seen, so no need to include people like that. 

A therapist can do that too, a safe therapist.  Let me know if I can do that for you.