Misadventures of Holiday Expectations
Ahhhh the holidays… tasty food, maybe some time off, decorations, music, and let’s be honest - copious amounts of stress. It’s always been baffling to me how I can look forward to something SO much each and every year and then experience moments when I can’t wait for it to be over. I get sucked into thinking, maybe this year will be different. I believe this time things will be calmer, slower, and I’ll be able to be more present with the people I love.
What makes these months so hard? I’ve pondered this question for a long time in search of my own blissful time of reading a book and sipping a glass of wine in front of a fire, while my kids work a puzzle quietly in the background, but I digress - that is not my reality! I live in Florida, we have no fireplace, and what alien kids choose a puzzle over Tik Tok (sorry if yours do, but call me later so I can learn your secrets)?
The one word I keep coming back to is EXPECTATIONS.
What do I expect from myself?
I don’t know if you’re like me in this way (and I pray to God you are not), but I hold myself to a very high standard. Let me tell you a little story... There once was a woman about 5 years ago who heard of others in the land who did something called an Advent calendar with their kids. This woman thought “Well, I want to be a good mom and create wonderful memories for my kids, too,” so she decided to create one of her own. She bought a little wooden tree with 25 doors that open, and she so lovingly filled those doors with a different activity or outing for each day written on a piece of paper.
Sounds like a great story with a happy ending, right? Well, the first year and maaaybe the second was okay, but by the third year when she was trying to coordinate the calendar with what activity they could do on what day that didn’t interfere with a school concert or some other godforsaken event and she was schlepping through Walmart trying to buy said materials for activities and outings, things took a turn for the worse.
By the time Christmas arrived, she was in bad shape… major stomach pains, snapping at everyone, and just generally the un-merriest mom around. So, self-awareness matched with the thought in the back of her mind that she’s a counselor, she should know better - and she decided that maybe fewer activities/crafts/outings would make her more able to enjoy the holidays and her kids would probably enjoy having a non-crabby mom to look back on AND added bonus that maybe they never feel the pressure to do ALL the things for their kids if it runs their mental health into the ground.
What do I think others expect of me?
Who else here is good at mind-reading? But seriously though, who hasn’t assumed what your partner or kid or dad or mother-in-law is thinking about you and the kind of job you’re doing to succeed in life? It gets to be overwhelming because as soon as an assumption is made, there’s an expectation that you have to live up to.
Example: You’re talking with a friend about relationships with partners. The more she talks, the more you start to feel a sinking feeling in your stomach that yours doesn’t quite compare, and obviously your partner is thinking it too. Hers seems to have more intimacy, vibrancy, and well, let’s just say it… fun. You start thinking, “Oh crap, my partner must think I’m terrible. I need to step up my game. I need to be a better listener and plan more fun things for us to do.” And while these aren’t inherently bad things, it’s the pressure of - maybe I’m not doing ENOUGH.
And for the parents out there, who hasn’t compared your kids to someone else’s and felt the pressure to be a better parent when the subject of grades, sports, or activities comes up??
Another example: every year Thanksgiving is hosted at your house; ergo you will be hosting Thanksgiving until the end of time. Maybe some of us like hosting, and that is wonderful. I love those people. Sometimes I am one of them. The key word is sometimes, but we assume that the expectation will be that we will do it based on what we’ve done in the past.
These expectations create an internal pressure to live up to. Sometimes we realize it and say no, but often we don’t take the time to acknowledge the pressure, we just respond to it by doing the thing that we think is expected of us. Again, this may be fine for a while, but in time, it can lead to severe burnout.
What does social media tell me I should be?
Social media, our fickle friend… she provides us with hours of entertainment scrolling through, looking at pictures of kids, pets, and hilarious memes, but she does have a dark side. We are especially susceptible during this season to the pictures of happy families, ideas of activities (refer back to the previous story), vacations, and dare I say expectations of what you should be doing. You might be dead tired from a long week of work, but you see pictures of everyone else’s families at the pumpkin patch, so you sure as heck better find one for your family to go to over the weekend.
So, what now? I know you can’t just snap your fingers and make all of this disappear. If you could, I’d be legit out of a job. I think a lot of it is just taking a second and tuning into our own intuition. When you think about the upcoming months, what do you look forward to? What gives you a sense of unease? As you think about the things that you look forward to, how can you be more present in those moments? I encourage my clients to “lean into” those moments. It could be putting your phone away or maybe snapping one picture and just relaxing into the rest of the day or evening. Maybe you can do that thing more than once during the season. Love looking at the lights? Go out several times, even by yourself.
I know there are things on the calendar and obligations that we just can’t get out of no matter how much we’d like to. We may not be able to get out of them, but we can take care of ourselves after a particularly stressful event. Maybe you come home and take a long, hot bath. Maybe you take some time to journal your thoughts and feelings from the evening. Was there anything that could have made it less taxing?
BUT, if there are things you see looming ahead and you can get out of them, do it. I always say to myself that I’m the one that has to live with the consequences of my decisions. Someone may get upset with you or be surprised you’re skipping, but is that a reason to jeopardize your mental health?
This is a lot easier said than done. It doesn’t have to be perfect. If you went to an event you swore you wouldn’t go to, go easy on yourself. A lot of us are just learning all of this, and it’s scary to think of disappointing people. It’s a process, so self-compassion is key here. Give yourself some love and start building awareness and tuning into what your intuition is saying. If you keep paying attention to your gut feelings, with enough time, you will be able to make the right choices for YOU.
- SP